love never fails

Love never fails,

Love always protects,

That’s what I was taught to believe.

But Love,

Here I stand today,

And I find you hard to believe.

Love,

I could not stop what happened

That cold December night.

I was sharply awakened,

Awakened with a fright,

As his shadow fell over my bed.

Love,

I closed my eyes tight,

I prayed for dear life,

‘Please, Love, not tonight!’

But his shadow became real

Oh, the pain I began to feel.

Love,

He stole all my innocence that night,

And he always came back for more.

In the day he pretended nothing happened,

But at night, evil would take its plight.

Love,

Where did you go that night?

I thought you would always protect.

Love,

Why did you fail me that night?

I thought that you never failed.

Love,

Can you heal what was broken,

Can you make all things new?

Love,

I am broken

Love,

I am used.

Love,

Please come and make all things new.

“Love always protects and always trusts…Love never fails.”

too late

i was so young
and you seemed so strong
i thought you'd keep me safe
and spare me from what's wrong

but one night there was evil
a darkness filled my room
his shadow fell over my bed
he stole all my innocence
and left me cold and bare

i thought you would protect me
keep me from this fate
God, i thought that you would save me
before it was too late

did you suddenly disappear,
at the sight of my first tear
did you have to turn away
when i cried into the night?
when he overpowered me
did you run away?
why did you go away?

what did i do to deserve this
was i not as treasured as they?
they tell me i'm you're beloved
why is my life this way?

i thought you would protect me

keep me from this fate

God, i thought that you would save me

before it got too late

did you suddenly disappear,

at the sight of my first tear

did you have to turn away

when i cried into the night?

when he overpowered me

did you run away?

why did you go away?

maybe someday you'll find me

broken, used and bruised

and maybe if you find me

you'll fill me and make me new

please never disappear

just stay and dry my tears

please don't turn away

when i cry into the night

don't let him overpower me,

please don't run away.

God, i just want you to stay

to stay and keep me safe.

this is the time...

that i'm fighting beliefs again.  that's all i can say, seeing as this isn't as private as i need it to be.  if i'm ever famous someday or if i'm working in a church or anywhere else, and they read some of the stuff that goes through my mind posted on here, my job/rep would be at risk.  true heart-felt honesty is best saved for a sheet of paper.

You give and take away...

Famous, powerful line in the old praise song 'Blessed Be Your Name'; 'You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name...'

shoot i can't remember why this was significant whenever i saved it as a draft...but i can think today why it would be significant in my life right now..grrr.

God is love...

God is love, God is love, God is love...'Behold, I make all things new.' God is love, God is love, God is love...Love...'Behold...behold...I make all things new.....i am making you new...'

God is love...i've heard it a lot, especially recently, but something about when my friend told me that on the phone..something changed...it keeps ringing loudly in my ears, i can still hear the serious tone of her voice when she said it..right after i called God a jerk...and she told me that he's not..kept saying no, no..He is Love. he loves you. and love isn't easy. it's hard. life isn't easy. i can't remember much after that except she told me she'd talk to me more later..

today has been one of the worst days of my life...there's so much spiritual crap going on, it's ridiculous..i feel like i really f***d up last night...i know i've f***d up a lot with God..that's part of the problem i guess...

distraught-ness turned to agitation

today started out with an ominous feeling on steroids, that feeling like something bad was going to happen...and i still have that feeling. just found out my friend's mom died...maybe that's what the feeling was for, but idk. praying for him...<3

the distraught, though still there, has also morphed into a new agitation. i want to quit going to church so bad. i'm so freakin fed up with EVERYTHING. every time i get involved somewhere, i get "screwed" for it. i get thrown around like i don't matter. why? sometimes it's b/c i'm "versatile"/flexible. perhaps too flexible and laid back. not many people know the damage that goes down when they throw me around like that. and a lot of that is my fault, because i don't normally let people know. i fake it like everything is ok, or just stay stagnant. but it never solves anything...:(

taking it back to the beginning...

i had to read Genesis for a class...and come up with questions it raised..which were several...but i noticed as i read it, and when i started reading some of it out loud to my dad, i felt an inner peace/contentment..there was a release inside me...so right now i'm gonna do that again, just read it, not trying to look at it through spiritual eyes or academic eyes...just read it like it's the first time i saw it, and try to see what really might've happened way back then..gonna pretend that i have no prior knowledge to this moment right here, and right now, that this is truly my beginning...time to figure out if God is real and if so...how can i know it? how can i love him again? how can i know him, if to know him is to love him and vice versa?

God are you there

Are you there up in the sky?

God, are you here,

Are you here right by my side.

Are You real

The way I feel

Has got me tangled i cannot breathe

Are You real

I cannot feel

The warmth of love that's a symphony...

I've been slammed with all the doctrine

Enough to drown me in the deep

of the sea

of fake religion and philosophy

I've been hurt

I've been cut

I've been bruised and scarred

By Your children,

Your precious children,

Your little followers.

God i'm not sure i believe in You right now

All the evil in the world

makes it hard to see You out

God i don't think i can believe in You right now

i guess i've stopped believing again

thoughts that make life make sense...

hey peeps. here's some new thoughts of the night that have suddenly made my life make sense momentarily.

yesterday while i was holed up in my room doing school work, i was thinking about imaginary friends for some odd reason. i think i had one in my thumb when i was little...after...like sesame street or something cray cray like that. ANyWAYS. naturally i started thinking about God. i used to have this shirt that said "my invisible friend created me." this always caused some odd reactions...some people thought it said "imaginary"..and when i told them it said "invisible" they were like, "isn't that the same thing?" umm...no. but yesterday i started thinking about the odds of God being nothing more than a figment of my imagination. what if he really is this thing that we all just made up, a crutch to get by? and of course i started spazzing out sporadically at the thought and how pissed i was that my mind actually just came up with something so heinous. as if the thought about fencing with Jesus and trying to sucker punch my creator isn't enough, the thought actually came to mind that God isn't real. wow. i wish i could pull off a thomas aquinas and tell you that everything is ok, that i found the answer to prove his existence. i haven't. unless that scared feeling i get in the pit of my stomach or that creepy tingly feeling that runs up and down my spine isn't proof enough. but even now as i think about it, i get a little freaked and i'm not sure what to do.

the reason why i haven't died yet is because God is afraid of dealing with me. and by afraid i mean he doesn't want to. perhaps. all in good fun, of course. if God really does care and is there and all that stuff, i doubt he's afraid of his own creation. that would be weird. which brings me to the question i've heard asked before...can God create a rock to heavy for him to pick up? if he can't pick it up he's not perfectly strong..and if he can't make it, he's not really God or something awkward like that...geeze, come up with a better question than that if you want to try and disprove him. that just makes all of us look bad. esp you for asking it. i'm sorry, but that's just bad. if you want to disprove god, go for that age-old question about "how can there be a good god if there's evil in the world?" that makes more sense and is a lot harder to trap people with...i'm still trying to figure that one out...at least freakin reconcile it...

that's all i got for now...on a more personal heart condition note, it hurts...a little bit...and it's scared...really scared. i actually asked my professor this afternoon to pray for me...cause i'm scared of something new i have to do...

God is light

(the book i'm talking about is Through Painted Deserts)

The thing that definitely stuck out to me the most in this book would have to be the beginning of Chapter Five. The author is talking about the metaphor of God being light. It’s such a beautiful mystery. I’ve never put much thought into light. I mean it’s light; it’s just there. I suppose after 18 years of traipsing around I’ve just come to take that for granted. Actually I don’t think I’ve ever been very fascinated to light. “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12).

Light in itself is a mystery. It travels 150,000 miles per second. That is absolutely ridiculous. As I sit here typing this I’m thinking about how fast that must be and how it takes seemingly no time at all to light up a dark room at the flip of a switch. And the sun, it illuminates the whole earth! Not only that, but it also heats it up. And then at night we have the moon and stars! What glorious beauty! Sometimes at night I will lie out somewhere and just star gaze. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to catch a shooting star or two. When I look into the sky, I like to think of it like I’m looking into the face of God. The stars are like His eyes; when they sparkle it’s like His eyes twinkling with delight over me. And every time I see a shooting star, it’s like a promise to me. A promise that says He’s with me always, no matter what. Despite all my questions and doubts, despite anything I’ve ever said or done, His promise remains faithful and true.

So, like light, God is mysterious. After all, “we don’t see light; we see what it touches” (Through Painted Deserts 60). Therefore we obviously don’t see God; we see what He touches. We see when He touches a single mother trying to raise 3 children on her own. We can see when He touches our own lives in ways that can’t be explained. His touch is everywhere and we see it. But do we acknowledge it?

more on faith, spirituality, and the likes...

Dear Reader,

You are about to enter into a deep chamber of my heart. There are many chambers in my heart and this one cuts to the core of who I am. It's what makes me...me. Know what it is? Well, if you read the title, you got it. It's a thing I like to call faith. Not religion, just faith. Where I stand spiritually.

If you so desire to give me a label, call me a Christian. A reflection of Christ, yes, Christ Himself, no. I am not perfect therefor I do not strive for it. I believe that is a common misconception for Christians. We come off like we're supposed to be perfect; like being a Christ follower and ultimately a reflection of Christ, we're supposed to be perfect like Christ. Such a common misconception I know. We're pretty dang good at putting out that stereotype. (and yes I say we...I am in fact a Christian...well...sort of...)

I was thinking about my death in class one day. No, not suicide, my death. How I'll die, what it's gonna feel like, where I'll end up...yeah..my death. You know, I used to say that if I died and found out that Heaven isn't real, that God's not there, all this Jesus stuff is folk-lore...that that'd be ok. I'd have nothing to lose. What a load of crap. I have everything to lose. Why? Because my faith is everything I am. It makes up the core of my being, it's who I am. Ready to dive deeper? Hold on tight cause this road's about to get rough.

My religion is Christianity and my faith lies with Jesus Christ. I have faith that He's who the Bible says He was/is; my Savior. So when I die....if i have any consciousness whatsoever...and i found out somehow that everything i've lived for, what i'd die for is a lie...i'd be devastated. I lived and died a lie.

But on the other hand...when i die..if i find out that everything is truth...well...i'm sure you can only imagine.

sinncerely yours,

Laura T.

spirituality...

alright...i'm at a very vulnerable place with mine...i'll edit this more when i have the time.

faith when it counts.

Faith is a freakin huge part of my life. It defines everything I do, from how I treat people to the words I speak. Granted I slip up...a lot. But it's chill. If I didn't screw up something would be terribly wrong. It will always be apart of me...nothing can take it away. So this raises a question. Is it possible to really fall away from the faith? If a Christian totally turns their back on the faith that used to define them...were they a Christian to start with or were they decieved? Maybe....just maybe we analyze it too much. Maybe faith is just supposed to be something simple, not something to be analyzed so much like we do. I mean, Jesus did say to have "child-like faith". Guess you could say we live in an overly-analytical society...

holiness and forgiveness.

so many times i think that we forget who God really is.  earlier i read sara acker's blog about the King.  she had a Bible verse from Habbukuk that said something about God riding through the sea on horses.  Sara said how she could see God riding in through the seas on these huge, powerful white horses and how beautiful it is that we serve an awesome God, the King of the universe, "everything seen and unseen".  I replied by saying " and he calls us friend..."  How beautiful!  this God who created everything we have the ability to see and everything so far out we may never get a chance to even know that it's out there...He cares about us.  I mean, it's so huge!  Take a look at your hand...see those ridges that make up your fingerprints?  You know why those are there?  To keep things from slipping out of your hands!!  You know what else?  Everybody's is different!  Everybody on this entire planet has a different genetic code.  No 2 snowflakes are alike.  You'll never see the same sunset twice.

And you know...He freakin knew, long before He created humans, that we would fall and break His heart a thousand times.  He knew He'd have to die a painful death, even if it was just for one person.  He knew that a bunch of people would choose Hell over His love.  BUT, He forgave us anyway.  I wrote this song one sunday morning during church about this..

Even Though

By: Laura Tompkins

Oh God, I can’t even understand
Why You’d die for me
You saw me before I was thought of,
Oh, You knew all about me
Before I was conceived

Chorus: Even though You knew
I’d walk out on You
Even though You knew
I’d break Your heart a thousand times,
You forgave me anyway.
And even though You knew
I’d slam the door in your face,
And walk out on You more
Times than once,
You forgave me anyway.
Oh, You forgive me anyway.

God, show us Your mercy
Show us Your love.
Teach us to love one another,
The way You loved
Each of us.

Chorus

Break: God help me to forgive
The ones who hurt me most
Show me how to love,
And forgive them anyway…

reminder to myself...

to anyone that might actually read this...this is basically a reminder so i'll hopefully grab my soap box again sometime tomorrow and spill it about the reverence of God.  i've got a lot to say about it.  got started tonight and wish i could continue but it's late and i need to get to bed before i get in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.  yeah that's right ...trouble...gotta love it!  oh, eventually i'll talk about tempers too...cause i've got a bad one!!

Indescribable

Earlier today I recorded Indescribable on my mac...Believe it or not it actually sounds kinda cool.  I'm thinking about giving it to my mom for Christmas.  Actually..yeah I think I will.  She's always trying to get me to sing so I might as well.  Just as long as no one else hears it.  I'm not in the mood for mean comments lol.  Speaking of which, I'm trying to upload it to myspace but it keeps telling me it's too big and it's really ticking me off.  For the moment I've lost interest in trying to record anymore songs seeing as it's not going anywhere haha.  I'll have to get back to this...I just wanted to blog out my frustrations!!

GROW UP!

I swear it never ceases to amaze me how immature people are.  I get to witness it every day in band.  They can turn any inanimate object into something so vulgar it should be illegal.  I mean, today I was talking to someone about cars.  I said I wanted one with a lot of trunk room so that I can easily fit all my instruments and what not into it.  I won't say what he said or give any examples from it.  It was just inappropriate and everything in between.  He's totally disrespectful to girls and it really, really ticks me off.  What makes me mad is when people hurt children in any way.  It also ticks me off when guys mistreat girls.  Even more so when girls LET them do this to them!  One of the sick and twisted mysteries of life this is.  I just hope young Luci never has to deal with this crap.  It's just absolutely astounding...I mean I can't come up with better words for it!

Well, that's my thought for today.  Those of you that read this, please pray for me...my heart is very troubled...

Thanks all!

Love,

Laura T.

God came through...

I don't know how many of you who might read this have ever heard/experienced a dreaded thing called the Senior Project.  It's this major thing the school holds over our heads that we have to pass in order to graduate.  It consists of finding a mentor, doing something challenging, and writing a 7-11 page paper on something related...well, for my project I learned how to play the cello and I wrote my paper on how music therapy can help alleviate stress from teenagers.  I worked so freakin hard on that paper.  I got so stressed that if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.  I don't even believe it now myself but it was so real I could've died.  If you so much as just hugged me, even for a couple seconds you could feel it...yeah, THAT bad!  I also had to learn the cello in like 2 months or so and I had some serious problems with that.  I went through times, sometimes a week or more at a time when I hated it so bad.  God provides though...I ended up getting a brand new cello!  Not only that but my brother and I played together for my final recital (he was on classical guitar) and we totally rocked it!  For my presentation i got a 99, I got a 98 on my paper, and a 99 on my portfolio!  I slaid that thing!  And I couldn't have done it without God!  He's my everything...My Best Friend, my Savior, my Provider...Just everything!!

Thank You, God, for everything...You've given me all the desires of my heart and then some.  I know I can trust you with anything, no matter what may come my way.  You'll always be "My Freedom" (Krystal Meyers)!!!

Pain...

Pain is worth it.  Now before you start thinking of how unsensitive I am, please hear me out.  As hard as it is, pain is what makes us who we are...it's what makes us appreciate all the good things in life and of course the people who are there for us in those times and God.  It brings us closer to each other and to God.  I believe as a Christian that God won't let us go through anything He knows we can't handle.  Therefor pain is like an honor...you know?  During times of severe pain and sorrow, I know it's hard to believe this...it's hard enough just to get through each day, let alone breathe.  To me it's such a relief to think of it that God knows best, so there ain't know way He's gonna make us go through more than He knows we can handle.

I don't know, I thought of this awhile back and I thought it was kinda cool...hope y'all enjoy it!

Love,

Laura t.