love never fails

Love never fails,

Love always protects,

That’s what I was taught to believe.

But Love,

Here I stand today,

And I find you hard to believe.

Love,

I could not stop what happened

That cold December night.

I was sharply awakened,

Awakened with a fright,

As his shadow fell over my bed.

Love,

I closed my eyes tight,

I prayed for dear life,

‘Please, Love, not tonight!’

But his shadow became real

Oh, the pain I began to feel.

Love,

He stole all my innocence that night,

And he always came back for more.

In the day he pretended nothing happened,

But at night, evil would take its plight.

Love,

Where did you go that night?

I thought you would always protect.

Love,

Why did you fail me that night?

I thought that you never failed.

Love,

Can you heal what was broken,

Can you make all things new?

Love,

I am broken

Love,

I am used.

Love,

Please come and make all things new.

“Love always protects and always trusts…Love never fails.”

too late

i was so young
and you seemed so strong
i thought you'd keep me safe
and spare me from what's wrong

but one night there was evil
a darkness filled my room
his shadow fell over my bed
he stole all my innocence
and left me cold and bare

i thought you would protect me
keep me from this fate
God, i thought that you would save me
before it was too late

did you suddenly disappear,
at the sight of my first tear
did you have to turn away
when i cried into the night?
when he overpowered me
did you run away?
why did you go away?

what did i do to deserve this
was i not as treasured as they?
they tell me i'm you're beloved
why is my life this way?

i thought you would protect me

keep me from this fate

God, i thought that you would save me

before it got too late

did you suddenly disappear,

at the sight of my first tear

did you have to turn away

when i cried into the night?

when he overpowered me

did you run away?

why did you go away?

maybe someday you'll find me

broken, used and bruised

and maybe if you find me

you'll fill me and make me new

please never disappear

just stay and dry my tears

please don't turn away

when i cry into the night

don't let him overpower me,

please don't run away.

God, i just want you to stay

to stay and keep me safe.

this is the time...

that i'm fighting beliefs again.  that's all i can say, seeing as this isn't as private as i need it to be.  if i'm ever famous someday or if i'm working in a church or anywhere else, and they read some of the stuff that goes through my mind posted on here, my job/rep would be at risk.  true heart-felt honesty is best saved for a sheet of paper.

You give and take away...

Famous, powerful line in the old praise song 'Blessed Be Your Name'; 'You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name...'

shoot i can't remember why this was significant whenever i saved it as a draft...but i can think today why it would be significant in my life right now..grrr.

God is love...

God is love, God is love, God is love...'Behold, I make all things new.' God is love, God is love, God is love...Love...'Behold...behold...I make all things new.....i am making you new...'

God is love...i've heard it a lot, especially recently, but something about when my friend told me that on the phone..something changed...it keeps ringing loudly in my ears, i can still hear the serious tone of her voice when she said it..right after i called God a jerk...and she told me that he's not..kept saying no, no..He is Love. he loves you. and love isn't easy. it's hard. life isn't easy. i can't remember much after that except she told me she'd talk to me more later..

today has been one of the worst days of my life...there's so much spiritual crap going on, it's ridiculous..i feel like i really f***d up last night...i know i've f***d up a lot with God..that's part of the problem i guess...

distraught-ness turned to agitation

today started out with an ominous feeling on steroids, that feeling like something bad was going to happen...and i still have that feeling. just found out my friend's mom died...maybe that's what the feeling was for, but idk. praying for him...<3

the distraught, though still there, has also morphed into a new agitation. i want to quit going to church so bad. i'm so freakin fed up with EVERYTHING. every time i get involved somewhere, i get "screwed" for it. i get thrown around like i don't matter. why? sometimes it's b/c i'm "versatile"/flexible. perhaps too flexible and laid back. not many people know the damage that goes down when they throw me around like that. and a lot of that is my fault, because i don't normally let people know. i fake it like everything is ok, or just stay stagnant. but it never solves anything...:(

taking it back to the beginning...

i had to read Genesis for a class...and come up with questions it raised..which were several...but i noticed as i read it, and when i started reading some of it out loud to my dad, i felt an inner peace/contentment..there was a release inside me...so right now i'm gonna do that again, just read it, not trying to look at it through spiritual eyes or academic eyes...just read it like it's the first time i saw it, and try to see what really might've happened way back then..gonna pretend that i have no prior knowledge to this moment right here, and right now, that this is truly my beginning...time to figure out if God is real and if so...how can i know it? how can i love him again? how can i know him, if to know him is to love him and vice versa?

God are you there

Are you there up in the sky?

God, are you here,

Are you here right by my side.

Are You real

The way I feel

Has got me tangled i cannot breathe

Are You real

I cannot feel

The warmth of love that's a symphony...

I've been slammed with all the doctrine

Enough to drown me in the deep

of the sea

of fake religion and philosophy

I've been hurt

I've been cut

I've been bruised and scarred

By Your children,

Your precious children,

Your little followers.

God i'm not sure i believe in You right now

All the evil in the world

makes it hard to see You out

God i don't think i can believe in You right now

i guess i've stopped believing again

thoughts that make life make sense...

hey peeps. here's some new thoughts of the night that have suddenly made my life make sense momentarily.

yesterday while i was holed up in my room doing school work, i was thinking about imaginary friends for some odd reason. i think i had one in my thumb when i was little...after...like sesame street or something cray cray like that. ANyWAYS. naturally i started thinking about God. i used to have this shirt that said "my invisible friend created me." this always caused some odd reactions...some people thought it said "imaginary"..and when i told them it said "invisible" they were like, "isn't that the same thing?" umm...no. but yesterday i started thinking about the odds of God being nothing more than a figment of my imagination. what if he really is this thing that we all just made up, a crutch to get by? and of course i started spazzing out sporadically at the thought and how pissed i was that my mind actually just came up with something so heinous. as if the thought about fencing with Jesus and trying to sucker punch my creator isn't enough, the thought actually came to mind that God isn't real. wow. i wish i could pull off a thomas aquinas and tell you that everything is ok, that i found the answer to prove his existence. i haven't. unless that scared feeling i get in the pit of my stomach or that creepy tingly feeling that runs up and down my spine isn't proof enough. but even now as i think about it, i get a little freaked and i'm not sure what to do.

the reason why i haven't died yet is because God is afraid of dealing with me. and by afraid i mean he doesn't want to. perhaps. all in good fun, of course. if God really does care and is there and all that stuff, i doubt he's afraid of his own creation. that would be weird. which brings me to the question i've heard asked before...can God create a rock to heavy for him to pick up? if he can't pick it up he's not perfectly strong..and if he can't make it, he's not really God or something awkward like that...geeze, come up with a better question than that if you want to try and disprove him. that just makes all of us look bad. esp you for asking it. i'm sorry, but that's just bad. if you want to disprove god, go for that age-old question about "how can there be a good god if there's evil in the world?" that makes more sense and is a lot harder to trap people with...i'm still trying to figure that one out...at least freakin reconcile it...

that's all i got for now...on a more personal heart condition note, it hurts...a little bit...and it's scared...really scared. i actually asked my professor this afternoon to pray for me...cause i'm scared of something new i have to do...